The Baby Monitor
by feraverto
Summary: Maureen has fun with a baby monitor. Oneshot. Rated T for language, and one or two sexual references.


**Disclaimer: I don't own RENT at all. But I DO own the baby monitor! :D **

**A/N: Okay, so I have no idea what I was doing when I wrote this. I was very bored, and the idea just randomly popped in my head. So excuse the fact that it doesn't make sense. I have NO clue how baby monitors work, so I don't know if it makes a sound like a microphone if you hold it up to a radio, lol. And yeah, Roger has a family in this ff. YAY! **

**I'd like to credit IfIDegreenifyYou (my cousin & best friend) for helping me write this a little bit. She ROCKS!**

**So review..favorite..do whatever you wish. :)**

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The warm summer breeze filled the small apartment. Although it was hardly spring, summer weather had sure began to show that it was near. The bohos sat around the living room, along with three new faces. An older man -whom was at least in his late thirties- sat presently on the couch and his wife was sat on the rug with her legs sprawled out in front of her. A infant filled the space between her legs, playing with it's tiny, soft toes. The baby drew attention from everybody that was present, making silence take over for at least ten minutes. Slight giggles and awes were the only sounds that escaped their mouths.

"Come to auntie Mo!" Maureen squatted down and held her arms out before her, urging the baby to crawl towards her.

"Sweetie, you aren't related to him." Angel chuckled from the recliner, followed by the rest of the group. Minus Maureen, of course.

"How many times do we have to go over this? Katherine is_ my_ sister, therefore, Jake is _my_ nephew." Roger explained for the what seemed to be five hundredth time. The group's small chuckles returned.

Maureen payed no attention to the rude cracks that were being thrown at her left and right. She had scooted her way to the baby, who was now chewing on it's pinkie fingers.

"Hey little guy...can you say Auntie Maureen?" Maureen cooed sweetly. She held out her hand, hoping for just the slightest touch.

"No!" Jake spat and threw his hands in the air.

Maureen frowned and sadly backed away from the brown haired infant, and put herself in the space between the couch and the recliner.

"Oh no hard feelings, Maureen. 'No', is the one of the very few words he knows right now. He just learned it, too. I think he's obsessed with it now. He doesn't even say momma yet." Katherine assured her with a grin the size of a slice of watermelon.

"Maureen, I think we should really consider a therapist for you." Joanne rolled her eyes from the couch.

"What?! You know I love little kids! I get upset when they can't say my name.." Maureen pouted.

"He's only eight months old..." Mark chimed in before taking a sip from his coffee mug.

Suddenly feeling brave again, Maureen came out from her hiding spot and inched her way back to the baby. This time, Jake allowed her to play peek-a-boo for quite some time. Which seemed to keep Maureen more content than the child.

"What the hell is that smell?" Collins suddenly irrupted, and gripped his nose to protect it from scent reaching it.

"What smell? All I smell is marijuana." Mimi shook her head and sniffed the air in search of any suspicious smell.

Collins shrugged his shoulders, knowing that her remark was directed at him.

Maureen leaned forward towards the baby, but quickly pulled back, also taking a hold of her nose.

"Phew! Someone needs their diaper changed!" Katherine exclaimed. She took hold of Jake, and stumbled to get up. "John, honey, where's the baby's bag?"

"In the kitchen." John muttered.

To Maureen, John didn't seem like the humblest person on earth. She has only met him a few times before, but she had a knack for sensing out people's personalities. He hardly ever speaks, and when he does, it's a mere "hello" or "ok".

"Can..can I help?" Maureen's voice was as soft as a kitten's fur. She slowly rose from the floor, biting her lip with anticipation.

The bohos raised their eyebrows at Maureen's eager. They've never seen her so fascinated with a child.

"Sure, hun. Follow me." Katherine accepted the offer and headed towards the kitchen area. She set Jake down on the kitchen table, and undid his onesie. "Would you mind going in that blue bag and getting me a diaper, please?"

With a nod in reply, Maureen reached into the blue duffel bag and pulled out a diaper. Katherine ripped off the dirty diaper, making a blast of stench release. Maureen cringed, but continued to watch her actions.

"Hey look Mark, his penis is the same size as yours!" Maureen exclaimed.

In the living room, Mark sunk down in his chair and turned a deep rose color. The rest of the group only exploded with laughter.

"Aw, it's alright, Mark. If you decided to join us one of these days when we go streaking in central park, we'll just throw a wig on you and people will just assume you're a girl." Roger said in between his fit of giggles.

"You can borrow one of mine." Angel suggested.

Katherine whipped the clean diaper on in record time. She placed her hands on her hips, and stood there to admire her job well done.

And as if to ruin all the fun, the baby started to wail. The laughing stopped on a dime, looking somewhat choreographed. Katherine quickly sprung into action and held him tightly in her arms. "Shh..." She slowly bounced up and down, trying to sooth whatever he was upset about.

"Is he okay?" Maureen peered over Katherine's shoulder with concern.

"I think he needs a nap." Katherine sighed. She made her way from the kitchen into the living room, with Maureen shadowing her. "Rog, anywhere I can put this little bugger to bed?"

"What? We aren't _that_ poor..we _do_ have beds." Roger joked, with a little hint of nerves in the tone of his voice. He pointed towards the narrow hallway that was directly behind where he was seated.

"Well, I wasn't sure, since you hardly have a roof." Katherine quickly shot back, and gestured towards the suspended ceiling that was falling apart.

Roger's only response was an exaggerated eye roll.

She then realized how much money trouble her brother had been going through, and hated herself for brining that up in conversation. Her only way out was to change the subject.

"Maureen, would you like to put him to bed?" Katherine offered Maureen.

Maureen's face lit up as bright as the sun. She somewhat resembled a child in a candy shop, winning a truck load of candy.

"I..yes! please!" She jumped up and down.

Katherine chuckled at her joy, and handed her Jake. And although he was still crying his brown eyes out, Maureen held him like he was her own, and slowly walked into Roger's bedroom.

"Oh, take this. Put it next to the bed, and turn it on." Katherine stopped Maureen in her tracks, and handed her a baby monitor. Maureen somehow managed to take the monitor with the hand that held the baby on the bottom. She nodded in approval, and continued her way to the room.

"Now, I can't just put you on the bed..." Her eyes scanned the room in search for something to protect him from falling off the side. "Ah, these will do." Her eyes stopped on a pile of pillows that were set on top of a rocking chair. First, she placed the monitor on top of the burrow that was directly across from the bed. Next, she gently rested Jake on the queen-sized bed, placing a gentle kiss on his soft, cream-colored forehead. Taking four pillows from the pile, she designed them around Jake so that they imitated a crib.

"There. All cozy." Maureen smiled at her marvelous work. Of course, she didn't dare leave Jake alone when he was still wide awake. She sat herself down on the rocking chair, and watched the tears stream down Jake's face.

And within a matter of minutes, he drifted off into a deep sleep. Maureen cautiously rose from the chair, and headed towards the door. "Shit, I forgot to turn it on." She whispered to herself, and came to a quick stop. She turned on her heals, and grabbed the monitor. A wicked grin appeared on her face once she turned it on. She carefully tip toed out of the bedroom, and quietly shut the door. She peered around the corner to see if everyone was where they were previously. And just her luck, they were. She tip toed into the bathroom, hoping that the constant chatter would drown out the sound of the screechy floor. Especially since the monitor would surely pick it up. Once she was in, she shut the door. She sat on the toliet seat and began her plan.

"Hi." Maureen giggled into the baby monitor.

She listened carefully at the door, hoping that someone would hear her voice through the monitor. No one seemed to budge.

"Helllooooooo?" She said a little louder.

No one budged.

"LUKE! I AM YOUR FATHER!" This time she was almost yelling.

"What the hell?" Collins shushed the group. The chatter had completely died down, which Maureen assumed they were now focused on the baby monitor.

"Which is pretty weird, since I don't have a dick." Maureen added with a shrug.

"Maureen, where the heck are you?" Joanne's tone was stern, but not loud enough to wake the baby.

"Uranus." Maureen burst out laughing. She expected laughter from the crowd, but everyone remained silence. Oh well, at least she thought she was the most hilarious person in the world.

"Maureen come on, that monitor is not a toy." Mimi sighed.

"Yeah, well neither is my cell phone, but it makes a great vibrator, right, Joanne?" Maureen's voice was as perky as ever.

"So THAT'S why you made me call seventeen times the middle of the night the other day?!" Mark moaned in disgust.

"No..I had bad connection, remember?" Maureen lied.

"Exactly." Roger huffed with a small laugh.

"Maureen, really, it's not something you can play with." Katherine explained, feeling like she was talking to a five year old.

"BUT IT'S SO COOL!" Maureen whined. Everyone was really starting to get on her nerves. But of course , Maureen would only fight fire with fire.

Then, it dawned on her. There was a radio on a small wooden table that was up against the window. She jumped up from the toliet seat, and flicked the radio on. She turned up the volume almost all the way, and held the monitor up to it, making a ear bleeding wail. The sound made her cringe, but she still cackled in delight.

"OW!"

"MAUREEN!"

"FUCK!!"

The screams that came from the living room only made Maureen more pleased. So pleased, that she forgot about the sleeping baby.

Being brave, she held it up to the radio once again.

"MAUREEN!!"

"STOP IT!"

"MY GOD!"

Maureen was nearly dying of laughter.

"Maureen honey, where are you? Come on out." Angel pleaded.

"Never!!" Maureen cheered once she got herself back together after her near death experience.

"Oh come on, this place isn't that big. It's not like you can get lost in it." Collins mumbled loudly.

"I'm gonna turn this off for a second...okay?" Maureen's voice was suddenly mellow. Without waiting for a reply, she flicked off the monitor, Or- at least- she thought she did, and put it on the counter.

She flipped up the lid of the toliet, and slid down her pants and panties.

"Oh..my god.." Joanne gasped as a strange trickling sound came through the monitor.

"She's taking a piss?!" Roger's jaw dropped.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Mark groaned.

"Wow.." Was all John could say.

Katherine just quivered her eyebrows.

"That's Maureen for ya." Mimi shrugged.

"Not a shy girl, that's for sure." Collins shook his head.

"But not the brightest, either." Angel remarked with a giggle.

"Ah..that's better..OH SHIT!" Maureen exclaimed, followed by the sound of something falling, then a splash. Then, there was no sound at all.

"Maureen? What happened?" Katherine dared to ask.

They all knew that she was in the bathroom, but they were too lazy to race to it to see what all the commotion was. So they just played along with her little game.

"Hey...did that baby monitor happen to be water proof?" Maureen's head peeked out of the bathroom door. Her face flooded with guilt, but amusement at the same time.

"Maureen..." The crowd groaned in unison.

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**THE END!**

**A/N: I have no idea what that story was about...but I had fun writing it. :D**


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